Unlucky by Earn Aye

Shy Dear Diary, I don’t know what to do Feel like I can die any day Kill myself and just be mad I’m thinking I just may Because in this house I live in There is nothing going good Didn’t know this happens in the suburbs Only thought it happened in the hood Mama must not be giving it up Because step daddy done lost his mind When I walk by He secretly grabs my behind Mama can’t understand Why I’m making all of these ugly faces Because mama don’t know that Step daddy touching me in all of the wrong places If she could tell He’ll get convicted for a couple of cases But this shit happens On a regular basis I sing a song at night While he rapes me to hold back the tears I’m only ten and this Has been happening for three years Mama has to go to work To answer the telephones I’m back scared Because me and step daddy back alone Getting raped for a hobby I know this is wrong But until somebody help me I’ll at night keep singing my song

Darius Dear Diary, They say hate is a strong word. I’m starting to believe that. They say not to have hate in your heart, now I understand why. The shit can have your whole day bad, all because of the hate you have. I try not to have hate in my heart, but this bitch is making it damn near impossible for me not to. I know bitch is a harsh word, but the word fits this girl so right diary, I swear. I hate my baby mama with a deep passion. And I honestly don’t see the hate leaving me no time soon. Our son Darius jr is three months old, and guess how many times I’ve seen him? I’ve seen my son three times, three fucking times. At this rate I will be seeing him on an average of once a month. This is some stupid shit. You would think that I’m the one that don’t tries to see him (I know that’s how most dudes do) but I try to see my son every day. His stupid ass mama is trying to keep me away from him, like I’m some type of bad person. The last time I checked it takes two to make a child, and I’m a WILLING daddy. I’m always trying to help out with him, but her stupid ass won’t let me. What kind of shit is that? Usually dudes get these girls pregnant and dip. A lot of dudes won’t even claim their child. I CLAIM MINE. I know I’m a good daddy, but the bitch won’t let me show it. I’m sure she’s telling her family that I’m no good, telling them pure lies. With her being able to put on that sweet innocent look of hers, I’m sure her family probably believes everything the bitch says. I never knew that a girl could be so petty to a boy. I’m only sixteen; I shouldn’t be going through this. Guess why she’s acting like this? All because I don’t want to be with her. Oh, so you’re going to make our son suffer because you’re being a selfish bitch? That’s exactly what it’s looking like. Yonna and I have been fucking around for two years, since I was fourteen. During the whole time there has never been a conversation about us being together. You know usually how after we both bust, we lay down for a minute? Well she is the pure opposite. All of that laying there cuddling and talking afterwards, she was never with that. How was I supposed to know that she had any feelings? We’ve never even kissed, it was straight action. So when she asked can we be together after we found out she was pregnant, of I course I said no. My question is how are we just supposed to start dating? We barely even know each other. Over these two years it’s safe to say we only know the basics about each other. I’m not going say that I don’t like her, but not enough for us to be together. Well after I told her no, I rather just play my role as the child’s daddy, her whole attitude switched up. All of a sudden it was a bunch of “fuck you’s” and “you aint shit’s.” I was thinking damn; excuse me for keeping it real. That bitch then said she was going to put me on child support. I didn’t even know that a sixteen year old could get put on child support. This girl acts like I haven’t bought my son pampers, clothes, and shoes, leading up to her delivering. I try to be cool, calm, and collective about it, but this is my son she’s holding back from me. I know he’s only three months and probably has no clue what’s going on, but the shit really matters to me. I be damned if she ever be able to tell my son that I didn’t want to be in his life. Whatever I have to go through to be in his life, I’m doing it. But why does the shit has to be so hard? She already didn’t let me be there when she delivered, which was some extra petty shit in my eyes. Diary, will I have to swallow my hate and be with her, just to be in my child’s life? If that’s the only way then my answer is hell no. There has to be a way for the both of us to be happy. There has to be a way.

Janae Dear Diary, I don’t know any other way to say it, so I’m just going to say it. I’m HIV positive. Me, Janae Thomas has HIV at the age of sixteen years old. I just found out today. When the doctor came back and told me my results I was speechless, literally. I didn’t say shit. The doctor was asking me questions, and my mouth wouldn’t open. The shock of it all had my mouth like it was glued. I found out two hours ago and I’ve literally not said one word. What am I supposed to say? I honestly don’t want to believe it. It just can’t be true. I’m really thinking about going to another clinic, that clinic might be wrong. But if the next clinic says the same thing I’m going to feel like a pure idiot. How did this happen to me? The doctor told me to recall all of the dudes I’ve had sex with. I didn’t have to go back far because I know exactly who gave it to me. I’ve used condoms with all the dudes I’ve slept with except Eric, and God knows I wanted to use one with him. He’s so sexy though, his pretty light skin, that nice six pack of his, those big juicy slips, that smile, and those sexy brown eyes. He was just too hard to resist. A condom didn’t even cross my mind until he was already inside of me. I was just happy to feel his body on top of my chocolate skin. Plus it felt too good, I didn’t want him to pull out and mess up the moment. That was my first time having sex without a condom. You can definitely tell the difference. The moment felt so good to the point I was stupid enough to let him nut in me. I wonder if he knew he had it when he stuck his dick in me, he’s only eighteen. To be quite honest, I’ve known about HIV, but I thought it was for older people. I didn’t think young people could get the virus. I’m feeling real stupid now. I wanted to start crying, but crying is not going to change the fact that I have it. The doctor says I can take this pill and I’ll still be able to live a long good life, but it’s not the same. I actually have this virus. The doctor was so cool about it, like the shit didn’t bother her. She’s lucky I was so in shock to talk because she would have heard all type of curse words. I don’t know how to explain the way I feel. It’s a mixture of feelings. I’m sad because I feel like I’ll never be able to fully enjoy life now. How can I be happy knowing that I’m infected? How will I ever be able to have a real relationship? Nobody is going to really want to be with me if they know that I’m infected. I don’t care how fine these dudes say I am, I know they will never care about me now. I can’t lie, I like the attention I get from dudes when they want to have sex with me. It makes me feel wanted, needed. All of that’s going to stop now and I will be a nobody. To be honest, I rather die than to be a nobody. I’m mad because this dude has ruined my life, and there’s nothing that I can do about it. I can’t tell everybody that he has the virus, exposing him will expose me. But I also don’t want that nigga going around spreading it to other people. Unless he knew that he had it and wants to give it to people because he doesn’t care. I honestly can say that I feel him, because the thought has crossed my mind too, even though it’s only been a few hours since I’ve found out. With damn near every dude I’ve had sex with, I always ask them to put on a condom. Why should I keep doing that? I feel like I’m cursed, so everybody should be cursed that decides not to protect themself. Maybe this is God’s plan, for me to punish anybody who decides to try to raw me. I’m not saying anything anymore. I honestly thought about committing suicide. This shit is not right. I don’t want to live this life, I don’t deserve this, I’m a good person. Why is God punishing me? What have I done that’s so bad? I know I’ve maybe slept with too many dudes for my age, but that’s it. I don’t do anything to anybody. That’s going to change starting today. I’m going to spread the virus. If I have to die, I’m taking people with me, just so they can feel my pain. If the dude chooses to wear a rubber, he’s a lucky dude. It’s crazy how a person heart can change in a few hours because I feel so heartless now. I not going to feel sad, I’m just going to get revenge. These dudes better hope that God brings a cure, because this is not right. I’ve heard that you’re supposed to treat people how you want to be treated. Well what is the answer when you don’t care how you’re treated anymore? Don’t worry diary, I can wait on the answer.

Alisha Dear Diary, I’ve made mistakes in my life and I’m now wondering if God is punishing me for them. Every time I look down at my six month old daughter, I always say to myself damn I’ve cursed you. I love my daughter deeply, and I do in a way think she is a gift from God. But I also think that she’s a curse from him. She’s a gift because she brightens up my day, she gives me a reason to breath, a reason to smile, a reason to try to work and do something great in my life. Even though she’s only six months, it’s like she knows when I’m sad. Every time I’m feeling sad she smiles. How can I be sad seeing a baby smiling at me? She takes away all of my pain sometimes, and I’m sure she doesn’t even know it. She’s a curse because she will never know who her daddy is. Well she has the chance to, but it’s going to be hard as hell trying. I’ve put my daughter in a fucked up situation, and the only way for her to get out the situation is by somebody getting into some type of trouble. Her daddy is my uncle, would you ever have thought that? A sixteen year old getting pregnant by her uncle, I know it sounds bad. But diary it shouldn’t have to be as bad as it is. Yes he is twelve years older than me, but it’s not like he raped me or no shit like that. I actually wanted the sex. To be honest I made the first move on him. I don’t know why I did it, I just did. It might sound nasty, but my uncle is sexy to me. I use to always daydream about him not being my uncle and him and I being able to date when I turn eighteen. I don’t even think he really likes me, but what can I say, I’m well developed for my age. I came onto him and he couldn’t resist. After we were done he said he made a mistake and it could never happen again. But honestly, I’ve been in love since that day. I personally had a great time, it was a fulfilled dream. I know it might be sick of me but I can’t help who I like. When I told him I was pregnant his face turned blank for like three minutes. I don’t think he could believe it. But he couldn’t deny it, he know he didn’t have on a condom. The first thing he said is that I should kill the baby. I told him hell no, I’m not killing my child. I know a baby was messing up his plans, he just had proposed to his fiancé. Uncle was ready to get married. He told me there was no way in hell he can be in the baby’s life. I was like why in the hell not. He sat me down and explained to me how it’s not normal for people in the same family to have a baby together. But I’m like it happened. You can’t change it so we have to deal with it. He wasn’t seeing it that way. After he was convinced that I wasn’t going to have an abortion, he decided he will be there for the child, but from a distance as long as I don’t tell anybody. I said yeah, thinking that eventually things would work out for the best. How stupid could I be? None of this is going how I expected it to go. He wasn’t there when I delivered. We have to sneak just for him to see her. I’m starting to say forget it, who cares what our family thinks. He only gets to see her like twice a week, and it’s always at some extra late time when she’s not up. He gives me money to help me out, but that’s not enough. My family is always asking who the daddy is, and I’m forced to say I don’t know. It’s the most thing shit ever because I look like a hoe. My mama thinks I’m a hoe. She pretty much disowns me as her only child. I want to tell her so bad that her brother is the daddy. Uncle says he will go to jail if anybody finds out, so I’m forced to keep my mouth shut. It won’t do me any good if he’s in jail. I honestly don’t understand how people don’t recognize it. She looks just like him to me, damn near identical. He thinks she looks like me though. I know I’ve agreed to keep quiet but it’s hurting me not to say anything. He’s always over here with my family and I’m forced to sit around and act like everything is normal. I don’t count those times as him spending time with her, because he’s in “uncle mode,” not daddy mode. I hate seeing him with his wife. I couldn’t believe he went ahead and married her. They don’t have any kids, so on the outside looking in it looks like he has a great life. But what about me? Why do I have to go through the loneliness by myself? I love him, why couldn’t he leave her and be with me? We could leave somewhere out of the city and raise this kid together. I just want to be happy and want my child to have her daddy in her life. It don’t seem like neither of those things will happen. So diary, is she cursed?

Sean Dear Diary, If I would have known the results was going to be this bad, I would have made another choice. Shit diary, why didn’t anybody tell me this would be the consequence of a choice I feel was so simple. My grandma told me two years ago that nothing is simple anymore. I understand what she means now. Ashley had an abortion, not because she wanted to, but because I told her too. I’m only sixteen, there is that I’m ready to take care of a child. I just turned sixteen too, I have a lot of life to enjoy. I’m not ready for a kid, a kid will mess up my life right now. And it’s not like I wasn’t being safe with Ashley, and got her pregnant because I decided to be stupid. But I had on a condom. I don’t know what happened, I guess it broke in the process. There is no way in hell I can want a child if I was practicing what they teach in school, fuck that. Ashley wanted to keep the child, she really wanted it. I told her that if she kept it, she would be raising it on her own. I told her if she really wanted the baby to have a good life she should go ahead and kill it. It will be hard for her to raise a child by herself. Is that heartless of me? I was just being real with her. I’m not down for that shit. The last thing I want is to be labeled as a deadbeat dad, and that’s exactly what I was going to be if that baby was born. I don’t work, all I do is go to school. And let’s be honest, if mama would have known that I had a baby on the way, she probably would have kicked me out. My daddy was killed when I was two. She basically raised me on her own. She reminds me all the time how hard it is to raise me on her own. I didn’t want Ashley to have to go through that. I don’t even known if she’s built to raise a child by herself. Well this happened a few weeks ago, and she’s been sad ever since. I’ve been telling her to get over it. It doesn’t seem to be that easy for her, and I don’t know why. I hate hanging around her now. We can just be chilling, then she all of a sudden starts crying. The shit really bothers me. I want to tell her to not come around until she’s done being so emotional. All of that crying really messes up the vibe when she’s around. Am I supposed to be sad about it all? How can I be sad about something that I’m happy is not here? She knows it was an accident, so what’s the point in being all sad? It’s not like we’re dating or anything. Her stomach hadn’t even started to grow, I’m sure nobody knows about it. Why can’t she just let the shit go and move on with life? The baby is dead now. Is it even considered to be a baby in the early stages? I don’t even think she was a full month yet. She can cry all she wants, it’s not going to bring the baby back and that’s the reality of it. The faster she can let it go, the faster we can go back to how things were. Before she got pregnant things were so cool with me and Ashley. It’s not even like all we do is fuck, it’s actually more of a friendship. We usually chill, laugh, and have a good time around each other. I’ve been talking to her for about three years and we’ve had sex only eight times. So it’s not like I can just let her go all of a sudden, it’s not that simple. All of this sadness shit isn’t going to work though. I hate being around sad people, it reminds me of being at funerals. The other day she said I’m heartless because I have no feelings towards our dead child. How can I be heartless when it’s a decision that we both made? If she really wanted to keep the child she could have, even though I said I wouldn’t be in the child’s life. All of the blame can’t solely go on me. I was just trying to be real with her. Would I have been a better person if I would have messed with her head, had her thinking I was going to be in the child’s life, then when the child was born I get ghost? I don’t think so. I mean we’re both sixteen and have our whole lives in front of us. She can surely have another baby down the line. Plus she don’t sleep with a lot of boys, she likes to wait at least a year before sex. Maybe she will get pregnant again when she’s more stable to raise one alone. I’m not going to beat myself up over something that I don’t feel is wrong. I know some may feel like abortions are wrong and all of that shit, and to be honest I feel like they are too, unless it’s special circumstances. And I feel like my situation fits one of those special circumstances. If I’m wrong for feeling this way diary then oh well. Who is anyone to judge me? That’s God’s job. Hopefully no one finds out about this. I don’t want to hear anybody’s mouth about it. It’s in the past now, so I feel like Ashley should leave it there and move on, just like I’m doing. Am I wrong for thinking this way? Dear Diary, If I would have known the results was going to be this bad, I would have made another choice. Shit diary, why didn’t anybody tell me this would be the consequence of a choice I feel was so simple. My grandma told me two years ago that nothing is simple anymore. I understand what she means now. Ashley had an abortion, not because she wanted to, but because I told her too. I’m only sixteen, there is that I’m ready to take care of a child. I just turned sixteen too, I have a lot of life to enjoy. I’m not ready for a kid, a kid will mess up my life right now. And it’s not like I wasn’t being safe with Ashley, and got her pregnant because I decided to be stupid. But I had on a condom. I don’t know what happened, I guess it broke in the process. There is no way in hell I can want a child if I was practicing what they teach in school, fuck that. Ashley wanted to keep the child, she really wanted it. I told her that if she kept it, she would be raising it on her own. I told her if she really wanted the baby to have a good life she should go ahead and kill it. It will be hard for her to raise a child by herself. Is that heartless of me? I was just being real with her. I’m not down for that shit. The last thing I want is to be labeled as a deadbeat dad, and that’s exactly what I was going to be if that baby was born. I don’t work, all I do is go to school. And let’s be honest, if mama would have known that I had a baby on the way, she probably would have kicked me out. My daddy was killed when I was two. She basically raised me on her own. She reminds me all the time how hard it is to raise me on her own. I didn’t want Ashley to have to go through that. I don’t even known if she’s built to raise a child by herself. Well this happened a few weeks ago, and she’s been sad ever since. I’ve been telling her to get over it. It doesn’t seem to be that easy for her, and I don’t know why. I hate hanging around her now. We can just be chilling, then she all of a sudden starts crying. The shit really bothers me. I want to tell her to not come around until she’s done being so emotional. All of that crying really messes up the vibe when she’s around. Am I supposed to be sad about it all? How can I be sad about something that I’m happy is not here? She knows it was an accident, so what’s the point in being all sad? It’s not like we’re dating or anything. Her stomach hadn’t even started to grow, I’m sure nobody knows about it. Why can’t she just let the shit go and move on with life? The baby is dead now. Is it even considered to be a baby in the early stages? I don’t even think she was a full month yet. She can cry all she wants, it’s not going to bring the baby back and that’s the reality of it. The faster she can let it go, the faster we can go back to how things were. Before she got pregnant things were so cool with me and Ashley. It’s not even like all we do is fuck, it’s actually more of a friendship. We usually chill, laugh, and have a good time around each other. I’ve been talking to her for about three years and we’ve had sex only eight times. So it’s not like I can just let her go all of a sudden, it’s not that simple. All of this sadness shit isn’t going to work though. I hate being around sad people, it reminds me of being at funerals. The other day she said I’m heartless because I have no feelings towards our dead child. How can I be heartless when it’s a decision that we both made? If she really wanted to keep the child she could have, even though I said I wouldn’t be in the child’s life. All of the blame can’t solely go on me. I was just trying to be real with her. Would I have been a better person if I would have messed with her head, had her thinking I was going to be in the child’s life, then when the child was born I get ghost? I don’t think so. I mean we’re both sixteen and have our whole lives in front of us. She can surely have another baby down the line. Plus she don’t sleep with a lot of boys, she likes to wait at least a year before sex. Maybe she will get pregnant again when she’s more stable to raise one alone. I’m not going to beat myself up over something that I don’t feel is wrong. I know some may feel like abortions are wrong and all of that shit, and to be honest I feel like they are too, unless it’s special circumstances. And I feel like my situation fits one of those special circumstances. If I’m wrong for feeling this way diary then oh well. Who is anyone to judge me? That’s God’s job. Hopefully no one finds out about this. I don’t want to hear anybody’s mouth about it. It’s in the past now, so I feel like Ashley should leave it there and move on, just like I’m doing. Am I wrong for thinking this way?